Now I bet what you are thinking is… who would tell someone G.T.F.O? We all know what the one acronym meaning of that is.. Get.The.F*ck.Out..but since some people feel offended to the F word, a few buddies and I felt a different meaning of the GTFO needed to be created.
So what is the importance of GTFO? Think about your everyday life (looking at you YouTube username RSWii10) and think about all the times you finished first which for some of you has never happened and I feel no sympathy for you. Now tell me the second place finisher in last year’s Stanley Cup (Ok, many of you can’t because we all know hockey isn’t a sport) or try and tell me who finished runner up to the Presidency in 2008?
Crickets eh?
Here’s the point, finishing 2nd in the grand scheme of things is one of the worst things that could happen to someone. Think about it. No one cares about 2nd. There is no such thing as a “good” loss. This is especially true when it comes to the World Wide Web. When you look at a phenomenon such as YouTube or Facebook, they got there 1st. They did what other people couldn’t do and ran with it. When you look at books, movies, television shows, the one’s that did something the 1st time are the ones that are remembered. No one remembers the 2nd,3rd or 4,200th Chris Brown Forever wedding video but you damn sure remember this one
Finishing in 2nd place is something that we all will experience at one point in our lives or another. Unfortunately its a given, even for the luckiest humans on this earth, like the guy that had 6 winning 1 million dollar lottery tickets
But here’s the thing, when you finish 2nd. Don’t bitch about who got there first. Losers make excuses while winners make it happen. Jealousy is a bitch.
So if a video that you post later than someone else did with very similar qualities, except one doesn’t have a pointless detailed description that made no sense at all, had such a horrific try at comedy, titled your video something like W.O.W… sorry not world of warcraft which you probably play 24/7, and the curse of and?
All I have to say to you is.
G.T.F.O and better luck next time
And maybe.. just maybe to cheer yourself up about not being on the Tosh.0 blog, go buy a sticker, write down this quote and stick it to your car
It’s been some time since I’ve accessed the 10$ keyboard that produces the gold you are about to read,but I felt that feeling..that you only feel when you smell a fresh batch of cookies..yes I’m fat. Get over it.
So while having the day off today (when do I work?) I was cleaning out my room, wondering how and why boy bands make so much fucking money and to take my work to youtube to investigate.
Here are my findings, video. by. video.. all leading up to my hatred for the worst of all time. One reader already knows where this is going.
Now I don’t consider boy bands starting with the Beatles. The Beatles were simply bad.fucking.ass and their music is good. To think, 1. They weren’t American, 2. Barely went on tour, and 3. Had over 50 #1 hits in less than 10 years is absolutely sickening. To just imagine all their money makes me want to get in shape and do something productive, but then I’d probably burn the cookies in the oven.. and god they smell good.. but back on topic
I first remember boy bands with obviously probably a #1 favorite for you same team players
Now just look at this video. Imagine if this came out in 2012. There is no way humanly possible you don’t think Justin Timberlake is gay. That’s like saying horseback riding is cool. Go ride up some Brokeback Mountain if you think that. The bright colors. The tight shirts. If this doesn’t scream Gay Pride, slap me silly and call me Sally. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate NSync all that much, but I’d have to rank them #2 on my all time list. Not to mention there is a former NSync’er that looks like a former basketball player that had bad knees from Indiana. You figure it out
With any good band or singer, you need some challengers. Whitney had Mariah and drugs. Michael had children. NSync had Backstreet.
Now coming in at #3 is The Backstreet Boys. First the name. Backstreet and white teenage boys. Those are two things that do not go together. For example: blacks and smarts. Asians and good drivers, women and cooking. Ok, maybe the last one does, but only if you are lucky. Now I give you Backstreet’s first overall hit, which in my opinion, isn’t that bad again.. but still.
Just listen to the lyrics in these songs. It’s pathetic. I mean they had it all. The Blonde Timberlake, the Oreo, The I made it across the border dream, and the 2nd innocent white boy. It just amazes me these guys will forever have more money than I can imagine for being autotuned.
What’s even sicker. They came together 10 years later to have a combined tour and combine their talents and make more money and have like 40 year old women throw their granny panties on stage. Absolutely. Disgusting. You know I must hate # 1 if I don’t put these at #1.
Now onto #4, I actually was a victim of enjoying this song way to much during my child hood. And it’s hard to consider them a “boy” band since they are brothers, but who gives a fuck.
Now, again, my problem with the music industry and people in general. How are you making these kids millionaires for saying MMM. BOP over and over. Think about it. MMM. BOP. Why can’t I write a song that says Pay. Me. and make millions? I bet it’s because I don’t look like a chick that goes to Lillith Fair. I mean come on. You know these guys were bullied in grade school. Now I condone it in most cases, but its a part of life.
And the final #5 band I will feature will be one that I find hard making fun of. First, Nick Lachey banged Jessica Simpson in her prime. Her. Fucking. Prime.
I’d like to give him a high five for that. She easily in her prime is like top 3 on my list. That topic is for another day, but this song was literallly my grade school memory.
You know. Dressing like a white thug. Cargo zipper off pants. Having so many gf’s you don’t know what to do. Breaking up every 2 weeks and thinking life was over. Thinking boxing was cool. Praying every day this was #2 on TRL behind Britney. It’s just so hard to hate on. Minus the fact the guy has WHITE FUCKING HAIR. What the Fuck is this. The Matrix? At least you got out while you could Nick.
I think the best caption for this picture- “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”
Finally we reach our #1
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate everything about this “band”. Ok. I do. Well I take that back, only 90% of the people in this I hate. Mainly because if any of them went on the Voice, Aguliera would eat them and Blake would not even turn around. Now I post this video for the pure hilarity that one character in particular has no idea what to do with his hands throughout the song. I was going to time them out, but you should notice.
Don’t Stop Believing you know what to do with your hands.
Well ladies and gentleman, I hope today finds you all well, until next time.
Ladies and Gentleman, those are 4 words that you should never say to your girlfriend. Ever.
Now you are probably wondering, “WhiteKnight… who would ever tell someone they hate someone’s friends?”
This.Guy.Last.Night
Now, this blog is going to discuss friends, how you choose them, should you really “add” if you have enough and in all honestly, what to do when you really don’t want to meet essentially “friends of a friend” since essentially your girlfriend is a friend… hope you all just followed that logic. This one is going to get intense and heated.
So first when it comes to friends, I have a simple motto that my father told me “Choose those that you want to surround yourself with to make yourself better”.
I never realized this until I got to college. Sure we all had “tons” of great friends in high school. But then we all went to different colleges, some went to the same public schools, never met new friends, hung out with kids from highschool and always will. Thank god I was not one of those fucks. I cannot stand some of my high school friends that went to say some shit school like IU, roomed with one friend, never met new people, only hung out with people they hated in high school then are now best friends? Now why are they best friends? Because they have no social skills to make new friends. Not every one is gifted to walk into a room, tell a joke, make a girl smile, start a party, etc. Some are bound to surround themselves with losers that are going to live at home til they are 26, work pointless jobs, party off their parents money and act like they are living the life, when essentially they are the 99%. Fuck them.
Instead of going into all the psycho-babble about friendship, I’ll fast forward to last night. I receive a phone call and long story short, a girl who is a friend states, “So don’t make plans for tomorrow night because we are hanging out with my work friends”
OK INSTA-STOP. Before you judge me on what I said next, understand I am a social person. I enjoy hanging out with friends, keeping things simple. Whether that’s sports, bars, movies, it doesn’t matter. But what does matter is right now at 25 I have no point to make many new friends. That was what college was for. And I am long past that.
Moving forward, I instantly respond with “Uh, No.” For those that are in relationships and wonder how I am still in one. Keep wondering. I have been pulling this shit for over 7 years. There’s a reason I’m writing a relationship book.
So of course there is silence. The silent fucking treatment. ON THE PHONE. But if you have read previous blogs, you know that I anticipate all moves like this. So I instantly chime in, it’s not that I don’t want to hang out with you, I don’t want to hang out with your friends.
Now understand that these people are polar opposites of me. They bore me worse than watching a 25 sec porn of Paris Hilton. Now, I also understand the fact, sure you should have some “out-there” friends that are the true left winger liberals. Sorry, spots already filled. So of course, the friend that is a girl responds with, “Why do you hate all my friends”
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Just when you thought the WhiteKnight couldn’t say anything worse, it gets better.
Of course my insta response is, “Well, they suck and are boring”. Wrong. Answer. More Silent treatment. Like 10 minutes of it. But being that I am anticipating this, I just put the phone on speaker playing N*gga’s in Paris. That ended the silence real quick.
Essentially an hour battle rages over who is more social, blah blah blah. Being the whipped bitch I am, I just say fine, I’ll do whatever, but know that I will be a drunken mess and I accept no responsibility for what I say or do. See that’s the one rule you always have to do. Ensure your self insurance. I basically bought insurance on myself to please my friend that is a girl. Win.Win. Cause I never lose.
This blog is going no where now, but essentially, don’t ever tell your friend that is a girl that you hate all her friends, especially from work and don’t try to justify why you don’t need new friends, because all it is going to do is land you playing Boggle on a Friday night drinking 4Loko’s hoping that you pass out before 9p all the while embarassing your friend that is a girl in front of her co-workers all the while making things worse in the long run and costing you a 200$ I’m sorry gift.
So who’s down for Loko’s and Boggle Friday. PM Me for directions
P.S- Unless you are a relationship doctor/shrink, I don’t need any more friends. I have all professions covered
First let me set the story straight. I am an Indiana kid. Born and raised. I grew up on basketball since I was 4. Granted, I never grew up to be 6’4 with a 52 inch vertical that could light it up from 3pt land, I could hold my own on a pick up court.
Now growing up in Indiana during the hey-day of basketball (the self proclaimed) hot bed of basketball, I loved all the Indiana legends. I grew up around Damon Bailey, Bryce Drew and yes… Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson (Gary, IN represent).
But as much as it hurts me to admit.. I must say.. I grew up an Indiana Hoosier fan. There I said it. I once cheered for the cream and crimson. I had a pair of candy-cane break-a-ways made by And1. But then, one day, it all came crashing down.
The day they burned Bobby at the stake. So why should you hate Indiana Basketball? Here’s a few reasons why.
#3. They have the most abnoxious fans on the face of this planet. There are few fan bases that compare to the rich, act like my shit don’t smell people that call themselves IU basketball “die-hard” fans. The only one I can think of that is even close to just as bad is ND football fans and that is a completely different blog. The ones that have been there through thick and thin. The ones that STOOD behind Kelvin S. It’s a bunch of bullshit. These are the same fucking fans that ran THE GREATEST college basketball coach of all time out of their university because he swore, he choked kids, but damnit, I would have played for him any day of the fucking week.
#2. Their fucking gym is a fucking silo. Seriously, have you ever been to Assembly Hall. If you are not in the first 20 rows, you might as well be sitting in a dark theatre hoping no one comes to rape you. Hell, you would never know if you are wearing red pants. Look around at all the great college places to play or visit.. YOU WILL NOT, see IU on that list. Go figure.
#1. They ran Bobby fucking Knight out of town. These are the same fans that hailed this guy. They loved his intensity. They loved his rants. His chair tosses. I remember growing up telling my dad, “I’d do anything to play for this guy”. I don’t care if they guy beat the shit out of me. Knowing a former player that played for Knight and started 4 years (Mr. Dan Dakich) I heard some unbelievable stories about the guy. But the one thing that always came back was: If he had the chance to do it again, you better believe he’d work twice as hard to make sure he could play for him again. Now to me, that means something you can’t put a value on. I could go on and on about how Knight was a basketball genius, but I just had to get my IU hate out.
Granted, IU has one bright spot for it in the This is Indiana video, but nothing tops Bobby. He is a legend. A legend that unfortunately was ran out of town by uptight fucks that within 3 years are gonna run Tommy boy out. Let’s just hope another Indiana boy doesn’t take that job.
I hope you all get sick from reading this so you can’t eat supper.
The guy is God. It took me a while to really believe he is the second coming of Jesus, but by God (no pun intended) he simply is.
Now I have liked Tim Tebow since his days at Florida. Mainly for two reasons. First this speech which should get anyone pumped up.
The guy is so fucking baller. He literally called his shot… AND HIT. How can you not like this guy? Well, in fantasy land, that question was posed to me..What could God do that would make the public mad.
Well I am going to cover the Top 5 Sins Tim Tebow Could Commit to send the Public into a Frenzy
5. Have sex.. with… THIS
All the Christians would absolutely go bonkers. But can you blame the guy. First, I don’t believe for one second he never motor boated the shit out of those. There is no chance. Second, look at her. The only reason she is with him is because A. She knew he’d make a fuck ton of money in the NFL and B. He’s the best college football player in the nation. Hell if I was a chick, I would have drugged him to sleep with him, take pictures, blackmail and profit. But this doesn’t even touch the tip because the public would forgive him and just say, eh.. It’s OK. Tiger cheated on his wife.
4. Become Shoeless Tim Tebow and fix an NFL game
Think about it. Tim Tebow beats the Patriots. Tebow then beats the Ravens. The stage is set. Indy. 2012 Superbowl. He is offered 1 billion dollars by the Illuminati (yes they are real..google them). He accepts the bribe knowing that he has like 5 years probably in reality of playing in the NFL. However, no one would ever know it’s a fix because of how bad games he’s had all season. The perfect fix. Then one day, someone breaks it and makes it public. Would the world hate him? I say not close. Denver, sure.. some true NFL fans.. sure.. but would it really make a difference? I say no, because in reality, people would always just be like, look he’s had AWFUL games and this was just one of them. Kind of like the JFK assassination, just not enough proof…
Yes.. so far I have included JFK, the Illuminati and Tiger Woods… This is going to be good
3. Tim Tebow murders two people and ironically gets chased in a White Bronco
Think about it.. there is undeniable evidence that he murders two people. Then, Johnny Cochran (god bless his soul) becomes his lawyer and says “It’s against his religion and commandments” The jury believes it, judges him innocent. Think about it. If OJ can get off.. a BLACK NFL player, there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY TEBOW doesn’t get off. Again, he could confess his sins, which he would due to his religion and the priest could never tell. Again, Tim Tebow wins at life.
If you don’t think anyone could get him off.. I dare you to say Jackie Childs couldn’t
2. Tim Tebow becomes a Priest.
Think about this. How many females would be crushed? I mean the guy could probably get 99% of females right now in the USA, possibly world. Now I’d say probably 95% would want to get with him. With those %’s that’s a lot of mad people. But in the end, these girls would be like, OMG it’s such a great idea, I am going to be a nun, which in turn would cause other males to go absolutely bonkers that all these hot chicks are becoming nuns to follow him. However, this is not what will make every one mad.
1. Tim Tebow wins the Superbowl
I just have to link 2+2 yet again, because it has one of the best threads ever. Seriously, is Tim Tebow the GOAT? THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME? How can he not be? Please name me a QB that in college and NFL has REWRITTEN how media and the game is played? ESPN has changed all their shows to just have fake debates over the guy.. TWO HOUR DEBATES EVERY SINGLE WEEK WITH THE SAME DIALOGUE? Look at twitter, I mean its sick. 9640 tweets PER SECOND. That is ALOT OF FUCKING PEOPLE. Imagine if he won the Superbowl. We’d need a new internet, cause he’d crash it.
Tebow gets Hater’s Mad. Just look at this epic thread.
How I haven’t copyrighted the saying or acronym of M.T.M (Make.The.Move) I don’t know, but what I do know is that probably years from now it will make someone millions cause they actually made the move.
This saying is easily my #1 thing that happened in 2011. It wasn’t going to all the places I did or seeing Butler succeed or losing money in Vegas. It was one text message that defined a year and years to come. Thank you Apple.
So 2012 is almost here. Where did 2011 go? I honestly don’t know cause I only did a few things. I drank, I gambled, I work, I ate and I slept. Somewhere in between I kept a girlfriend who I maybe saw once a week (don’t worry that book on relationships is due out in 2013) saw a couple sweet sporting events, got promoted at my job where I’m a highly touted and paid babysitter essentially and even started to work out. Ok that last one was a lie.
I had numerous friends get engaged and married. Now many people kept asking me, “Dude, when are you proposing” This easily could have been asked no less than 365 times to me. But some people were offended when they heard my response. “Well, I’m waiting for everyone else to get married, that way I know who to invite and who not to invite without being awkward and weird, not to mention, they have to at least MATCH my gift. With inflation 2-3 years from now, my gift will be greater and more valuable” Seriously though, how is this not a bad idea? You can’t offend anyone. There is no rush. I can still act like a clown in cities known for making clowns out of people *RIP NOLA* I tore through you harder than Katrina. O yea, just went there. You and your city can go to the glue factory like Champagne Spirit.. you dirty dirty whore (the jockey that is..i’d never hurt an animal)
I learned one thing in 2011 and it’s simple economics people. I solve problems before people even see a problem. That’s part of the gamble I have though and what I have learned from losing 4 figures in under 30 minutes, yet winning 5 figures in less than 30 minutes. When I look back on everything from 2011, I realized. Yes. I have a problem. I gamble. I gamble a fuck ton. And it’s a lot of sickening fun. It’s something I should fix, but it’s too much fun. It does have a down fall though. If you surround yourself with people that have no interest in losing paper (really that is all money is.. green colored paper), watching some sporting events become dull or even normal everyday activities suck. Although I must say, having brought credit card roulette to the city and my friends has been a welcome to every outing. If anyone else thinks they thought of it or brought it to their friends, they are fucking drunk. I learned it from a close friend and introduced it here. So to all you wannabees thinking you created this game, keep making up beer pong rules so you don’t lose to people that can drink you under the table in the hot May heat. Enough of that rant, I mean it quite easily is a top 5 thing of the year to see what nits (LJ/MA) have lost huge bills due to peer pressure. What I don’t get is why some people get so upset over not playing it or upset when people do and they are excluded. Granted, I make a decent amount of $ for my age and I have friends that do the same so its no big deal as money should be no big deal. I have no problem lending people money for gambling or for something cause I know, it’s paper. That’s it. So when I pay a credit card roulette bill for 100$+ it’s like a tax write off. Greatest c.c roulette had to be Pitt v. Butler at B’dubs. Over 10 people, over 130$ bill, and dog piling in a fucking B’dubs floor cause we were going to the Sweet 16. My dad always told me, don’t worry about the money, it will come and go, but memories and good times, never let those pass you by. Write that down.
For those wondering, I kept track of every bet I made. I ended 2011 in the red. Not big red, but Vegas put a fucking dent into me. I lost $1,034.25, but it was a lesson learned. I learned I suck at blackjack, roulette and craps. I learned I can CRUSH poker with little effort. I learned there is a family on this planet that has the longest streak of run good in the history of run good. If someone could run as hot as the sun, they run hotter. I learned I am an above average FIFA player if I keep my cool, but if on tilt, the goal might as well be as big as the ocean.. or kim kardashian’s beaver. Don’t lie, you just googled her sex vid.
Another thing I realized in 2011, is I work a lot. And I am not talking an extra hour here or there, I am talking 20 extra hours here or there. Now, I must preface this with I like my job. It’s simple. It pays well. They think I’m a prodigy or something. So why waste it? I’ve always believed I can work hard for 10-15 years, make a ton of money and then relax, maybe coach, maybe teach, I don’t know. But might as well grind while I’m young and still can.
Next topic is a heart-attack. The Vegas odds on my heart-attack just went to like 20-1. I am glad I made a bet with a buddy to eat healthier in 2012. I am only allowed 2 fast food meals a week. Now for those that know me, this is going to be incredibly almost impossible and difficult. IF you would still like action, you can, but know that I am getting 2-1 odds as for the past 47 days I have ate at a fast food or chain restaurant. If you don’t believe me, check my credit card or ask my roommate. But, it will be for the better as I have to run a mini marathon to win a 100$ bet a buddy doesn’t remember *til now*, but that’s one thing I’d like to do. Go back to working out, eat healthy and win a fuck ton of money in Vegas.
I know this blog hasn’t been full of one liners, funny jokes about inappropriate topics like Jews in an **** (too soon?) or a certain color people on porches acting like an animal, but you have to understand.. even I have a line I don’t cross….
Ya. Right.
So here’s to 2012, a JY/SZ wedding (spoiler*), a blog a week, $ made in Vegas and blew on stupid shit because on 12/21/12, it all ends…Until the next blog about 12/21/12.
Being close to almost a year from my one year anniversary with NOLA’.. actually more like 8 months.. I still don’t remember everything I did down there except I fucking
Yes. Partied. Like. A. Rockstar. In one night, I spent over 400$ in under 4 hours on people I barely knew. I drank more alcohol than an alcoholic at an AA meeting, cause you know none of those people are sober at the meetings. That is what breath mints were made for. I also made one of the most memorable “Walk It Out” dances ever to grace Bourbon Street. For the first time to anyone’s eyes, I have the video..
I am the one that covers their head with their shirt in all black. Yes. I am THAT HARD… But all kidding aside, A buddy of mine has the ultimate bachelor party blackmail of me, but it’s all good. Everyone will remember me in Bourbon even if I don’t.
Now on to the point of the blog since Ugly Christmas Sweater parties are approaching rapidly, I felt it proper to write a blog on the awkwardness of parties and the types of people you may run into at them, how to handle it, and without a doubt the most important point of this blog: ALWAYS HAVE A BUDDY SYSTEM.
Type #1: The Ugly Tag-a-long Girl.
We all know the type. The tag-along girl who for some reason the hot/cute girls always have to bring to make them look better. I mean it’s a freaking mathematical science that girls travel in 3’s. You have the REALLY REALLY ugly/annoying one. Then you have the Party, slutty girl whose slept with more guys/gals than Hugh Hefner. Finally you have the high school sweetheart. Can party, but not a slut. Can have great grades, but not a teacher’s pet. The Ultimate as I call them. She uses the other two as deflectors to make her even better.
Now what happens is more than likely you don’t want to be at this party and this girl doesn’t either and was dragged along or wants to and wants to meet someone way to eagerly. Since you are single *assuming here* you will obviously have that single guy look and this girl will just want to talk to you about what she does *almost more than likely a substitute teacher* since jobs are so hard to come by now a days and all about her lil’ kindergardners and finger drawings of turkeys. So what do you do? You immediately have to counter with, ya, I hate kids, I’m never having kids and you can’t stand being around their smell.
She’ll leave you faster than a jet train in Japan.
Type #2: The Talker.
We’ve all met one of these. They WON’T. STOP. TALKING. “How’s the weather” “Do you like your job” “How’s your sex life” “Did you see that debate?” “Who are you voting for” “Who do you think has the ugliest sweater here?” “Do you own an elliptical?” “What’s your waist size” “Are those real?” “This one time.. at band camp” “My dad is rich”
HELLO. STOP THE PRESSES. If you hear the chick is rich, keep talking. I mean at worst, you can easily impress her, have her pay for some nice dinners, obviously go on some sweet vacations with them.. FOR FREE. Easily get some action. Then leave the bitch after a couple months. Easy play here.
Type #3: The “Life” of the party
This.Guy. I mean we all knew one in college. The fucking tool that would wear pink shirts, pop his collar and act like he owned the campus. Now what I don’t get about this picture is do you really think this is real? Like can someone be this naive that they don’t look like a leprachaun fuck? What does this girl think? Like either he’s the only guy that will go down on her or she has some mental problems. If you have to end up talking to this clown about how hard he partied in high school and threw down, but how he’s finally finishing up his community college degree, do your best just to say “Fuck you, you collar popping faggot.”
Type #4: The Controversial Conversationalist.
I am pretty sure I fall under this category depending on who I am talking to. There are friends I have where I will directly try to counter any argument they have regardless of any validity I may have towards it. If my friend says the Holocaust was a terrible thing, I’ll point out how it helped rebuild a country and solidify a stereotype of saving $ for the Jews. (speaking of which, a new blog will be out soon regarding the political correctness of some stereotypes, words that have “bad meanings” etc and how you shouldn’t give a fuck)If my buddy says God doesn’t exist, I’ll ask who the hell created God. If my buddy says the Bears will make the playoffs, I’ll bet 3 months rent they won’t with some chump named Caleb Hanie at the helm. My friend says Obama is a good president, I’ll just laugh. Too many jokes for that one.
You get the point. These people are the worst. They always have to have the last word. Seeing as I usually NEED to have the last word in an argument, I could talk to this person for ever and that is not good. I hate these people. They think so highly of themselves. Their Ford Trucks. Their 3 week vacations. They carry on and on about how good they were in sports in high school . They debate every single little thing down to the color of your own fucking shirt. If you encounter them, just run. Seriously, Forrest Gump it out the house and run.
Type #5: The One Word Answer Person
Yup. Ya. Naw. No. Eh. What? Who? I see. Well..
You know these silent assassins. Answer in one word. Can’t put together a sentence longer than 4 words. Seriously act as if they should be cutting their wrists listening to Avril’s “Skater Boy”.
So, I hope we all learned something here. First, christmas sweater parties are a lame excuse for single people to try and get their friends to bring their friends to get drunk and hook up with since they haven’t gotten any since high school. Next, Christmas parties are fucking stupid. Third, I do like to socialize, but seriously, don’t be any of the above unless you are intoxicated enough to fall asleep on the floor of an I-hop 24 restaurant bathroom.
First, this may be a longer than usual blog, but whatever.
While listening to 90’s on 9 on XMRadio (Yes, I’m rich) a song completely triggered my memory back to grade school and high school. It literally took me back almost like deja fucking vu which is a blog topic all itself. However, the fact of the matter was, it made me realize how much of a fucking loser I was thinking songs could win girls over. So let’s take a trip down memory lane and you may learn a thing or two..
So you are probably asking yourself, what song triggered this? How much of a loser/idiot is this blogger. Well here she is. A song I’d say that 90% of you have never heard, probably think is awful, but for some god forsaken reason in high school, this song summed up what I literally sang to a girl. And to this day, I’ll always associate this song with this girl.
Mr. Big (not the great Tom Hanks movie) – “Just to be with You”. Now you are probably asking yourself, how the fuck at 15 in 2001 did you find this fucking song. I don’t know. I think it was like destiny I randomly downloaded it off Kazaa or some random illegal site but you have to admit it’s fucking catchy. You can thank me 5 years from now when you use it on a date or play it in the car making your move to get up to her apartment..ya I’m looking at you J.S, no flat tires for you. When I think about it, it was a perfect fit. Cheesy enough to say I want to date you and make out in the closet at a dry party, but not too pushy. It made it even more fitting that this girl had an asshole of a boyfriend previous to me. Long story short, we dated for 2 months, she dumped me 3 days before our homecoming and went with my then best friend. Lesson #1: High school relationships are a joke
Now after hearing this song, I just HAD to keep the station on. Who knows what other gem I may hear. Then, this one came on
This one takes me back to my very first grind session in 8th grade. Yes, it was a sockhop. Most of you youngin’s have no fucking clue what a sock hop is, but its the modern day equivalent of soaking tampons in alcohol and vodka flavored gummi bears: a school dance. You know how nervous people would be at a dance. Guys on one side, girls on the other. Hell, every tv show I grew up with portrayed this: Boy Meets World, Step by Step, Saved By The Bell, Hanging With Mr. Cooper.. need I go on? So of course, the same is happening at a catholic school sock hop. Well being the thug I was I pulled my own Footloose movement, grabbed the girl I was best friends with and started to dance. Now granted, I was 14, was SOBER and had never danced in public before. Can you say I was about as good as Hope Solo on DWTS (Yes, soccer sucks or should I say Futbol you Un-American fucks). Needless to say, never dated, kissed or did anything with said girl I had the memorable grind session with. Might be a good thing it never went farther. She was only double teamed on our 50 yd line got pregnant a few years later and has not been heard from by anyone. Lesson #2: Count your fucking blessings.
Now after hearing this one, I was like HOLY FUCK. Is this like a sign from God that I need to go back to school and back to the future and make things different? Then I heard this one.
So granted, being a senior in high school, we have all been there. The losers, the big man on campus, the slutty straight A cheerleader, the nobody, etc. We all were at that point your senior year where it was like: 1. I need to get laid. 2. I need to taste alcohol before college. 3. I need to get laid. 4. I need a girlfriend or know what it’s like to have one before college. Needless to say, I had none of the above. But I felt like I had to # them to make them appropriate. So of course there was this girl that I just fell head over heels for *a great Freddie Prince movie btw* and was like you know what, this is it, fuck it, I’ll knock out all of those with her.. but HOW? So what did this song make me do? Made me fucking ask her to prom like any other person would. Yellow brick pieces of paper to her car with a note in side after having her friend steal her keys so I could get the note in the car. Yes, this blogger just went there. So you are probably like, WHAT GIRL WOULD SAY NO. Well, obviously she didn’t. We had a great night. And then. I did what any guy would do at that time. I made her a mixtape of songs basically asking her out. Lesson #3: Mixtapes don’t work like the movies.
So where does blog go? What have we learned? We learned that no one deny that every single person has like 3-4 songs throughout their lives that they can identify with something or mainly someone. And when we hear that song, dear god we wonder WTF was I thinking.
I’ll never forget though, my all time #1, WTF was I doing in NOLA song.
Yes, you know it’s going to be a shitty blog when you open with the fucking Spice Girls. But sadly enough, they sing a lyric that is the topic of today’s teacher’s lesson. Today we are going to talk about all those rich idiots that buy things that either a. they don’t need, b. they can’t afford, c. make no sense, or d. they buy just to be like “OMG LOOK AT ME I’M RICHER THAN THE SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF WARREN BUFFET.”
So where do we start with these people that have more credit card debt than I do after a Saturday night out at the bar losing credit card roulette? I am going to first cover people buying things they don’t need.
Now although I am partially biased as some of the stuff on this site is absolutely insanely awesome, 99% of it is absolutely unnecessary to any person to own. Look at the front page. 660$ for a fucking table with fish in it? Ya, like that will really get the ladies over to the apartment when I already have a problem getting them TO the apartment, I’ll just blow $ on this and watch the fish die. Not to mention, people don’t realize the costs of the fish, food for the fish and the time it will take to keep this thing clean. Time = Money. Lesson #1. Don’t be a dumbfuck and buy this unless you host numerous parties to again, impress people with all the money you make by being the son or daughter of some rich mogul. I am looking at you Paris Hilton and not your good side in your porn video *side note: when can I make a porn video and get paid 500k for it, cause you better believe, i’d do it for 50*
Ex: #2/3: Let’s buy something large and extravagant and have no money to pay for it and makes no sense right now, no where to put it, and never really use it… BUT IT WOULD BE FUCKING AWESOME to say we have one. For this purchase we’ll use the example of a BOAT. Imagine living in the city, 100’s of miles away from a lake and living in an apartment. And you want to buy a boat. Now I’m not a genius but having no where to put this thing, very few places to use it and the fact they are a money hole, makes no sense in getting one. Yet, and I am not exaggerating, out of the 20 real life friends I have, over 13 of them have seriously looked into getting a boat. I get it, a boat can have great upside. Just look at both these videos.
The sad thing is out of the 13 friends that want one, I’d say 10 believe they’d get the ass these videos portray. Now I am not against getting a boat, but wait until you own a lake house or have enough to buy a yacht. Go Big or Go Home.
Ex #4: I mean do I even have to do a write up on this thing. I want one. I don’t care if the point of this blog is to mock those rich people that flaunt their money on stupid pointless shit. Being someone that can’t swim, this is the ultimate fucking lifesaver. Not only would it get me more ass than Justin Bieber backstage at a concert (enjoy that silent settlement you fuck) but seriously there is not one person who wouldn’t want one.
So what have we learned today class? That people that usually have all the money are greedy, stupid fucks that waste their cash on pointless items they will use once, throw in a closet and never see again. So when you see a great deal for a NUWAVE oven. Think twice before you get it, unless you are one of those people that fall for the ridiculously bad advertising on infomercials and are a sucker for FREE SHIPPING! Either that, or you are whipped by your girlfriend.
As my best friend Vince Vaughn would say.. IT’S WEDDING SEASON!
So for all you sand bagging son of a bitches out there, today we are going to tackle a very touchy subject these days: Who do you invite to your wedding and who gets the ax.
Now being in a position where I am probably going to be married within 3 years *spoiler*, I would be lying to you if I said I haven’t thought about who I am inviting to my wedding. Who hasn’t? I mean, essentially it is supposed to be the greatest day of your life. A celebration of great days ahead. Although all I hear married people say is it’s boring, goodbye sex, and its like everyday is on repeat ala The Truman Show. I know I have posted this clip before, but Kramer once again nails it on the head
So how do we decide who gets the big invite or not? My view of it is simple. I am going to invite people that I know will give me great gifts. Whether that is selfish or superficial, it may be, but in reality think of the flip side. I am buying you all a very nice dinner. 3 course, usually averaging anywhere between 30-60$ a person depending on my budget (and when it comes to money for me, I have no budget because in reality, money is a piece of paper and a plastic card). Next, more than likely, I am giving you free reign to any and all alcohol all night. It is very hard to put a price tag on this due to some people being able to drink more than a fish in the water, but then again, I don’ have many alcoholics as friends. Finally, with the great food and drinks, I have essentially provided all my single friends, either male or female a free date with a significant other, where they can dress up, act like they can dance as if they were at a frat house and remember what it is like to wake up next to someone the next morning and completely regret it. How can I put a price on that you ask? Very simple. The gifts you give. Not to mention, the day is about the bride. Everyone is going to be looking at her. I don’t want no single horny fucks looking at my wife like this all day
Now the tricky part is truly, I can’t simply judge that the only reason you’d get an invite or not. I’m not THAT guy. I also have to take into consideration, do you like the other people I will invite or do you hate them with a passion as they formed cliques in college that still exist 5 years later.. not that anyone does that.. or do they? But I don’t want no drama on my big day, it costs too fucking much to have that. I’ll leave the drama to sarcastic twitter and facebook posts, which is another argument for another day.
So then what happens to the people that don’t get an invite? How do you handle that? Being recently graduated and having numerous friends that were in relationships, I knew in the coming years awkward situations would arrive. We all have those friends that are close, they are automatic invites, more than likely even bridal and groomsman party friends. That’s simple.
But then you have those friends that are in the gray area. You had a few good party nights with them, occasionally hung out at the bars, occasionally had lunch or dinner with, played on the same sport team, etc. Do they get the invite? How do you decide?
Now as I have mentioned earlier , my list is basically complete for who is coming to my wedding. However, after a few surprise snubs from weddings, you begin to wonder, where does our friendship lie? I think that’s the reality of wedding invites: it shows who truly was your friend and who truly just used you to complete that project or buy them a drink at the bar.
I also think to, the people you invite, must be willing to go. I have had surprise invites, where I am like FUCK, now I HAVE to spend that 125+$ to give them, 99% more likely get a hotel room which is another 100$ not mentioning gas, etc. So when it comes to inviting people, you have to consider you are WASTING money on expensive invites, so why send one to someone that is going to say no? You must take into consideration how long it has been since you talked to that person. Hell, you may have been “best friends” in college, but if you haven’t talked to them in over 2 months, sorry, you are the weakest link.
So how should you react to not getting an invite when you think you should or react the next time you see that couple? I think everything should stay the same. If you don’t get an invite, who gives a fuck. Consider yourself money saved and put it to good use. Hell, take the money you would have spent, spend it on your significant other or yourself and create the night yourself therefore you get all the benefits without having to put on a show and be like OMG CONGRATS I’M SO HAPPY TO GIVE YOU ALL THE ATTENTION FOR THE NEXT SIX HOURS WHEN I COULD BE WATCHING SPORTS. (side note) My wedding will not be on any sporting event of importance as that I feel for the people that come to my wedding not to have to decide between my big day or if the RedSox are playing the Yankees (insert Fever Pitch joke). In my personal opinion, I could give two fucks about going to weddings. Although I do give good gifts (50$ per person+ additional gift of 25$ or so) which is something I feel should be a minimum regardless if I have a job, still in college, etc. because I know at the end of the night, I’ll be having drunk sex and that’s cheaper than a prostitute, no worries about STD’s and not being caught by the cops.
So when you don’t get an invite to someone’s wedding, don’t be all whiny and cry like a little bitch. Understand a lot goes into these decisions and if this couple doesn’t want to give you an invite.. who gives a fuck. Just know that in 3 years, they will probably be bored out of their mind, trying to rekindle the love long lost by going to such money wasters as Wine and Canvas acting like they love each other, when in reality, they sleep in separate beds, haven’t fucked since the honeymoon and will be divorced within 6 months.
Then remember, it’s cheaper with a 10$ bottle of wine, home cooked pasta, and a Redbox movie. But what do I know? That’s been the past 6 dates I have gone on in the last year and I want to get married?
Gotham's White Knight 